progress is makin da choice to move forward

its a sad moment expressed in quiet as i have no more tears for a heartbreak that has been going on for ova a year..so im letting go of the hope of a reunion..i will continue on the plan for the new year, get myself together so that i can be a better more stronger version of me today...it will be hard to let go complety i have no illusions about the road ive entered on but its a necessary step for me to clear my life of things that hinder my growth...i have occupied to much of my life holding an image of a family together...my heart is heavy with the thoughts of walking away from thag image but i have to if im ever going to be able to sit among them and not feel so crushed by the want of that image to be a reality...ending the year with this decison has awakened a part of me that i had thought was lost to me, i have found and regained some semblence of me and refuse to go back to this old sad sorry me that has held me in a dark place filled with despair and illness...entering the year ready to make the tough decisions has enabled me to breathe a little bit easier and i accept the blame that is sure to be hurled at me stemming from this choice and as with all the wrongs placed at my feet i will deal with it, i am the bastard of old values and that will.never change...love is fighting to stay together, but there is no love here anymore, so the fight is over all spectators have.already left and.im in the ring alone...im ok with that...

Jose Sanchez

Fwd: hatred and love

Jose Sanchez

-------- Original message --------
Subject: hatred and love
From: Jose Sanchez <sanchez_j138@hotmail.com>
To: "sanchez_j138@hotmail.com" <sanchez_j138@hotmail.com>
CC:

its no wonder we are still fighting, we both still have so much anger left over from the fighting that has ceased...i honestly thought we were beyond that but apparently i was sooo wrong...she still doesnt see her role in the problems we have as being legitimate...its still all my fault...my choice placed us here not her choices to push and continue to push me over the edge those choices had nothing to do with the incident...just like her continued lies and subliminals have.nothing to do with why i.still have a lack of trust in her words or actions...im feeling more and more secure in letting go completely...allowing her to push for and succeed at obtaining a divorce...i can continue to fight for our marriage surviving but id be the only one fighting for it...shes lost to me and ive been soooo blinded by the words of hope that i havent heard it in the.crawl spaces of silence held between us...tax time this coming year ill sacrifice as i have always done and make her exit possible so she can then be happy, single and without blame for why we are divorced...i want my name back in return and her to take the majority of carr of our children because i fear what i will feel after the divorce may affect how i raise our children after...that fear of my resentment and anger has thus far shielded me from what is essentially the truth, we have been over for little over a year now...we have just never made it official...the separation hasnt been to get some perspective it has been to make a divorce as amicable as humanly possible wen two people still carry.some love.and hope in their hearts for a better relationship with each other...and maybe the divorce will bring that about...the closing of the door of our union may bring about the opening of the door to a deeper friendship and coparenting that is just as effective and nuturing as we have been able to provide thus far but without the unspoken resentment we both have.over still being with one another...i dont know anything anymore...but i do know that we are not making it as a couple not because we dont want to but because it just isnt something we both want as we look upon each.other...we are further apart than we have been before the kids and even further apart than we have been after the incident...the past still haunts our relationship and im assured that the stain of the past will never be wiped clean i will always be the monster, i will always be that day...no matter how i try or dont react i will never recover the injuries i have inflicted...it serves me right...i should have died that day, that year...so much of me did die in the past year never to be heard from again...so much of my spirit has been torn apart that when i look upon my reflection im not sure of what i see...i have become a distorted version of myself, lost in the mired ugliness of the past...the person i was, am, is not close to the image of my true self...i still hold a high self worth, and a good self esteem about my progress as a man and father and husband...i have my failings and my faults, but the equality of a partner who can and does accept me at my best and worst is still not there...so i must move beyond the hope of finding thay acceptance in her eyes and heart...i have apologized to her, to myself...i have forgiven myself and asked for forgiveness from her...but i can't no longer hold out hope that that forgiveness will ever come...we have reached that point where there is no other place to go but away from each other becuase we would just continue to pollute each others lives to the point of insanity...and i cant afford to go crazy or go backwards to the point where my body begins to fail me again...this is my plan to save myself from the pit of despair the blackness that has been surrounding me..that sense of darkness that comes when you have lost faith in yourself...i was there before...i cant go back...i love the light of my life i love the sunshine that has begun to show me that the storm that has been punishing me is almost over...my life is not in shambles, i just havent recovered enough of it to carry myself past the hurt and anger...and blame...it is both our faults...she wants it to either be all mine or all hers...or simply to not exist...blame does exist hurt and anger as well...but it is a choice to continue to weild them as such or to let them go so that you can movr forward...i must let her go so that i can move forward

Jose Sanchez