last breath...unheard

I had been going round and round in circles tracing the steps of the past searching for the end of the many hurts feet carving my grave in the steady progression of spiraling stupidity i used to call living
my swag was high higher even than my consciousness so high was my supposed swag that i mistook me for the sun and thought myself to be the glory even on my knees tossing up the abuse ingested and dealt out i prayed to myself for salvation clasping my greedy palms together squeezing the liquid gold from the penny patch held consumable drug i possessed i mouthed the words see me through to the other side and i promise to stop the travesty of my life right here at this point and change directions only to find i was too broke to complete the course and resumed the trek of self deprecation three snorts, thirty inhales and thirty swallows consumed constipation soon to be zombie life drudgery i made the 360 look special, fly even...but like most with the ignorance to say yo he totally changed he was once doing this and then did a 360 and now is doing so much better....i had confused the view of the circle to mean i had came out on the otherside smelling like a saint, washed anew from head to toe...that was till i ran into the bullet that really spun me around, then upside down....choking on my breath i now pray, i now see that the sun is soo much brighter than the dullness i was and will never be again.....my grave already dug, im finished and these words travel on the winds of my last breath unheard

The beginning of the end

We entered into the angry part of divorce..typical instead of us finding a way forward we have determined that it would be best to part ways...in a lot of ways this may well be the best thing that has happened to the two of us since we got married...we will no longer be wrapped in the more of obligation to one another...we can begin putting the pieces of ourselves back together...the only hiccup is my decision to walk away from the responsibility of my children...a part of me will always feel responsible for their well being given that I've spent so much time to developing them, I guess that time was spent in preparing them for the life that will soon follow my decision...I don't look at it do much as damage done but life given..I will be giving myself a chance at life again no more sacrificing to them and her just so that I can retain some semblance of family structure and sanity...I don't know how long I will be gone from their side or if I'm gonna be able to detach fully from their lives or if we will find some way to make this as un painful as possible...even as I consider these things I kno and am sure that I love her but I can't hold all this together alone and I refuse to be a kiss ass or a pushover in order for her to feel ok in staying in this marriage...

the beginnings to the end

today was an utter collapse back into the same patterns of last year...im still the one pleading for more than just empty words, and soft sorry's and continued i don't knows...yet when given the opportunity to stand up and say you're right babes, i could afford myself the opportunity to correct even if it is just one day a week, the problems i see with the well being of our children...yes i understand that my not being there for the most part is still an unfortunate problem that I'm still dealing with but i will make a better effort to work toward fixing that....i will make a solemn commitment to be more present in what my children need, what you need....I will make more of my presence in this marriage and family than just happy afternoons, and dates...I will effect the change i wish to see in my life...beyond just myself...

none of that happened, what took place was the instant victimization of self, the I can'ts and the I'm being beat upon for not doing enough, not being enough....no responsibility claimed as to the real life that she has not the fantasy life she envisions in her head...

so what now...do i continue to hold out faith that things will change, even if she can't put on shoes or go barefoot to be a part of that change where it doesn't only concern her...i completely understand her wants, cause i've heard nothing more than them for two years...i only wished that she heard herself....really listened to herself...when asked to be the bigger person and move beyond the hurt that she feels, the pain that she feels in not being there for our children as much as she would like....she chose to say fuck it, i'll no longer say anything....i can't for the life of me understand how does she plan on opening up our marriage when she has yet to deal with the overwhelming frustration that is our marriage situation.....

but honestly why do i still care what she thinks, feels, or wants anymore? is love sooo moving that it can stop you from facing the truth...that what is right in front of you lies the key to your own life, give her the kids, force her to really live as you do, struggling to create a life of your own while maintaining the lives of those around you....force her to take on the responsibility she accepted the two times she made the choice to become a mother.....in the end on that line of thinking i'd only hurt myself, so caught in the love i have for my kids that i can't see myself separating from them longer than hours...and even then i have to fight the temptation to not call every half hour to fine out how they're doing....so strung out on being more than my own father was to me, that i would sacrifice my very life at a moments notice to make sure they are okay....

so how do i turn off my heart, how do i cut out the parts of my heart that still beat for her, that helped foster this man that is here now....even as belittled as i feel when she says that even i don't care that my children's diet revolves around the same stock meals week after week....though as much as she has to say on the subject she's only pointing the finger at everyone around her, without looking in the mirror and pointing the finger at herself saying she only cares in word, not in action, cause even as i told her pick one day a week to come up and cook a meal for your kids, she just turned her mind to she can't....there's nothing she can do....

divorce doesn't scare me, its the loneliness of being a single parent that scares me....i barely have support now, for my own life...much less my kids....im expected to always be there for everybody, but who is there for me....who is there to lift my spirits when i fall low on myself....as to everything else in my life it is left to me...i am my own battery, my own lover, my own partner, my own motivation, my own determiner of my life.....

the timetable of it all just blows....i have to come up with 125 for kharis uniform....487 for my glasses....a 140 every month for my phone....diapers for niya though potty training is getting better....i have to maintain a tues schedule for yoga so that i can have some sort of relief from the weight of it all, and add in time to grow and develop my business, my life should not be on hold for anything at this point....80 bucks to put away toward my security license...another 80 bucks towards my learners permit....150 to complete road lessons so that a car can be in my future....and now 500 to put down to begin the process of completely dissolving our marriage....not because i don't want our marriage to work, i just don't want to be caught off guard and having to maintain the appearance of a marriage simply because we're too broke to get a divorce....

breathe, all i can do at this point is breathe....take it one day at a time, slowly prepare myself for an exit that will be just as crushing as falling 10000 ft to the ground....

beginning again...AND AND

im right back to the beginning...i should have known better than to let my guard down again...moving to vegas was a mistake, a bigger one was allowing her to take niya....i knew then she couldn't do it, if she wasnt doing it here, why did i think her taking niya there would make it any different...only i should have to have the perserverence to care for and develop our children, our family...only i should have to be that strong on a daily basis....i thought we were passed accusations of the past, opening old wounds just to cause new ones...i was soo wrong....its okay now, my heart and mind are not too far from the same point....we arent finished with the past, its still too fresh to make a clean start....so from her standpoint time is what will make it clearer, time along with the instigation of false loves and selling each other short, holding neither ourselves to a higher standard or establishing a solid framework of honesty, trust and communication....we are still distant and the chasm is growing instead of closing....maybe she's right divorce would solve for her the feeling of obligation she has, and i guess cloud over the resentment she holds toward me...though i dont see her holding the mirror up to herself and looking at her mistakes, her wrongs and acknowledging them for aiding in us getting here....but enough about her.....

i now have to reestablish myself in the life of my daughter beyond the phone calls and prayers i hold in my heart....flying out to vegas to collect my heart and bring her back, so that i can feel just as helpless, yet patient and strong enough to make sure that they both know that i would sacrifice any and everything for them, for their development, for their well being...but in that sacrifice i cannot allow myself to fall apart in the process....i must continue to build myself back to my former self...one of complete confidence in and within himself to hold together the life he leads every and each day....i must make a plan on how i go about doing that while managing two children, without much help...my grandmother is here and she wont ever mind watching niya during the day, while i make gains in my life...which is fine....except that she wont foster her development beyond the television being on...so that part will still fall on my shoulders....k'hari will be fine in as long as he has stability in school...i pray he gets in leadership academy...of all the schools it has the most comprehensive curriculm, the most solid evidence of what their academic program can and has done....as well as once he's in, she automatically gets in once she's of age to begin kindergarten....i have to speak with bryan about whether niya can attend singleton once she's four even though k'hari will have already completed and moved on from HCZ.....

then theres the issue of my marriage...what do i do about the utter mess that this marriage has become....im beyond the punishing myself for what i have already done and cant change, im also done punishing her for her lack of understanding or support....the little she has done is just that the little she has done, because for all that she has done, it was all with tinges of begrudgement...so what was the point of giving any support if it was so that you could throw it in my face later....so where do i go from here....i love her, more deeply than i could have thought i would have felt about someone....even in my most frustrated, angered disposition i still would help her in her time of need, ive still stood by and supported her, even when it was to my own hearts wellbeing....divorcing her would solve most of that, she will no longer be a person in my life, nor that of our children, because if you cant be present for them on a day to day basis, 100% parenting, then why be in their lives at all....it isnt punishment but it is the truth...after one month you cant do it alone....i did it alone for the most part for well over a year....and your response when i told you it was causing me great emotional strain, was good for you....so why would i continue to punish them with a mother who cant see beyond herself to really participate in the day to day upbringing and development of her children....in her own words she cant do this, the everyday parenting, the 24hr on call, dealing with the screaming, the whining, the needs, the wants of children....does that mean she doesnt love them...it means that her love is only good from a distance...so would i be wrong in asking for her to sign them over to me completely....on the other hand, id still be shouldering the care of our children but giving her the time she wants which could be as long as a month to 10 years....am i that strong....i doubt it, i dont doubt that my heart would not attempt to keep the course, but would i just be wasting my time, only for her to come back with the same answer as ive heard for soo long....NO....can i allow my heart to suffer another attack of such great emotional disruption....beyond my emotions....can i physically do it, my emotional stability is interconnected to my overall physical well being so if i but my heart on the line for what could possibly be rejection in the long run, what would that do to me physically....will i end up hospitalized or worse dead from the turmoil of having my emotions which im just beginning to allow to fit into the world of my life....no longer living in just my head, but feeling the world around me, this is attributable to her and my children being in my life....but ive barely got a handle on it on them yet, so what would i be putting myself on the line for in the end....thats the real question....can i roll the dice without considering catching snake eyes....such is the way of gambling, as in life and love....all is fair.....

as to her ultimatum of opening our marriage, what marriage would i be opening...she doesnt see or consider what im saying....our marriage isnt healed, and yet she wants and wishes to add others to that mix....all that without dealing with the primary relationship, yes, we both could go out and find others to scratch our itch for sex, but if we're both living outside our marriage, why remain married, especially if we arent healing the marriage to begin with....so i guess she has answered from her lack of regard toward that real question....is it healthy for us to be sleeping with anyone else while remaining in a marriage we both wish to remain in, that is still in turmoil...without putting in the work necessary to right the wrongs on both sides....to me the answer is no...to her its whatever....it doesnt matter....so i know her answer, her mouth says she doesnt want a divorce but her utter refusal to appreciate what it is im asking, yet still wanting her wants met, leaves me but with the choice to decide for myself whats right.....time, or just giving her what she wishes....to not be obliged to be in a marriage of balance, of true partnership....

i dont have all the answers, and i dont have her support in finding them either....so i dont know