im right back to the beginning...i should have known better than to let my guard down again...moving to vegas was a mistake, a bigger one was allowing her to take niya....i knew then she couldn't do it, if she wasnt doing it here, why did i think her taking niya there would make it any different...only i should have to have the perserverence to care for and develop our children, our family...only i should have to be that strong on a daily basis....i thought we were passed accusations of the past, opening old wounds just to cause new ones...i was soo wrong....its okay now, my heart and mind are not too far from the same point....we arent finished with the past, its still too fresh to make a clean start....so from her standpoint time is what will make it clearer, time along with the instigation of false loves and selling each other short, holding neither ourselves to a higher standard or establishing a solid framework of honesty, trust and communication....we are still distant and the chasm is growing instead of closing....maybe she's right divorce would solve for her the feeling of obligation she has, and i guess cloud over the resentment she holds toward me...though i dont see her holding the mirror up to herself and looking at her mistakes, her wrongs and acknowledging them for aiding in us getting here....but enough about her.....
i now have to reestablish myself in the life of my daughter beyond the phone calls and prayers i hold in my heart....flying out to vegas to collect my heart and bring her back, so that i can feel just as helpless, yet patient and strong enough to make sure that they both know that i would sacrifice any and everything for them, for their development, for their well being...but in that sacrifice i cannot allow myself to fall apart in the process....i must continue to build myself back to my former self...one of complete confidence in and within himself to hold together the life he leads every and each day....i must make a plan on how i go about doing that while managing two children, without much help...my grandmother is here and she wont ever mind watching niya during the day, while i make gains in my life...which is fine....except that she wont foster her development beyond the television being on...so that part will still fall on my shoulders....k'hari will be fine in as long as he has stability in school...i pray he gets in leadership academy...of all the schools it has the most comprehensive curriculm, the most solid evidence of what their academic program can and has done....as well as once he's in, she automatically gets in once she's of age to begin kindergarten....i have to speak with bryan about whether niya can attend singleton once she's four even though k'hari will have already completed and moved on from HCZ.....
then theres the issue of my marriage...what do i do about the utter mess that this marriage has become....im beyond the punishing myself for what i have already done and cant change, im also done punishing her for her lack of understanding or support....the little she has done is just that the little she has done, because for all that she has done, it was all with tinges of begrudgement...so what was the point of giving any support if it was so that you could throw it in my face later....so where do i go from here....i love her, more deeply than i could have thought i would have felt about someone....even in my most frustrated, angered disposition i still would help her in her time of need, ive still stood by and supported her, even when it was to my own hearts wellbeing....divorcing her would solve most of that, she will no longer be a person in my life, nor that of our children, because if you cant be present for them on a day to day basis, 100% parenting, then why be in their lives at all....it isnt punishment but it is the truth...after one month you cant do it alone....i did it alone for the most part for well over a year....and your response when i told you it was causing me great emotional strain, was good for you....so why would i continue to punish them with a mother who cant see beyond herself to really participate in the day to day upbringing and development of her children....in her own words she cant do this, the everyday parenting, the 24hr on call, dealing with the screaming, the whining, the needs, the wants of children....does that mean she doesnt love them...it means that her love is only good from a distance...so would i be wrong in asking for her to sign them over to me completely....on the other hand, id still be shouldering the care of our children but giving her the time she wants which could be as long as a month to 10 years....am i that strong....i doubt it, i dont doubt that my heart would not attempt to keep the course, but would i just be wasting my time, only for her to come back with the same answer as ive heard for soo long....NO....can i allow my heart to suffer another attack of such great emotional disruption....beyond my emotions....can i physically do it, my emotional stability is interconnected to my overall physical well being so if i but my heart on the line for what could possibly be rejection in the long run, what would that do to me physically....will i end up hospitalized or worse dead from the turmoil of having my emotions which im just beginning to allow to fit into the world of my life....no longer living in just my head, but feeling the world around me, this is attributable to her and my children being in my life....but ive barely got a handle on it on them yet, so what would i be putting myself on the line for in the end....thats the real question....can i roll the dice without considering catching snake eyes....such is the way of gambling, as in life and love....all is fair.....
as to her ultimatum of opening our marriage, what marriage would i be opening...she doesnt see or consider what im saying....our marriage isnt healed, and yet she wants and wishes to add others to that mix....all that without dealing with the primary relationship, yes, we both could go out and find others to scratch our itch for sex, but if we're both living outside our marriage, why remain married, especially if we arent healing the marriage to begin with....so i guess she has answered from her lack of regard toward that real question....is it healthy for us to be sleeping with anyone else while remaining in a marriage we both wish to remain in, that is still in turmoil...without putting in the work necessary to right the wrongs on both sides....to me the answer is no...to her its whatever....it doesnt matter....so i know her answer, her mouth says she doesnt want a divorce but her utter refusal to appreciate what it is im asking, yet still wanting her wants met, leaves me but with the choice to decide for myself whats right.....time, or just giving her what she wishes....to not be obliged to be in a marriage of balance, of true partnership....
i dont have all the answers, and i dont have her support in finding them either....so i dont know
i now have to reestablish myself in the life of my daughter beyond the phone calls and prayers i hold in my heart....flying out to vegas to collect my heart and bring her back, so that i can feel just as helpless, yet patient and strong enough to make sure that they both know that i would sacrifice any and everything for them, for their development, for their well being...but in that sacrifice i cannot allow myself to fall apart in the process....i must continue to build myself back to my former self...one of complete confidence in and within himself to hold together the life he leads every and each day....i must make a plan on how i go about doing that while managing two children, without much help...my grandmother is here and she wont ever mind watching niya during the day, while i make gains in my life...which is fine....except that she wont foster her development beyond the television being on...so that part will still fall on my shoulders....k'hari will be fine in as long as he has stability in school...i pray he gets in leadership academy...of all the schools it has the most comprehensive curriculm, the most solid evidence of what their academic program can and has done....as well as once he's in, she automatically gets in once she's of age to begin kindergarten....i have to speak with bryan about whether niya can attend singleton once she's four even though k'hari will have already completed and moved on from HCZ.....
then theres the issue of my marriage...what do i do about the utter mess that this marriage has become....im beyond the punishing myself for what i have already done and cant change, im also done punishing her for her lack of understanding or support....the little she has done is just that the little she has done, because for all that she has done, it was all with tinges of begrudgement...so what was the point of giving any support if it was so that you could throw it in my face later....so where do i go from here....i love her, more deeply than i could have thought i would have felt about someone....even in my most frustrated, angered disposition i still would help her in her time of need, ive still stood by and supported her, even when it was to my own hearts wellbeing....divorcing her would solve most of that, she will no longer be a person in my life, nor that of our children, because if you cant be present for them on a day to day basis, 100% parenting, then why be in their lives at all....it isnt punishment but it is the truth...after one month you cant do it alone....i did it alone for the most part for well over a year....and your response when i told you it was causing me great emotional strain, was good for you....so why would i continue to punish them with a mother who cant see beyond herself to really participate in the day to day upbringing and development of her children....in her own words she cant do this, the everyday parenting, the 24hr on call, dealing with the screaming, the whining, the needs, the wants of children....does that mean she doesnt love them...it means that her love is only good from a distance...so would i be wrong in asking for her to sign them over to me completely....on the other hand, id still be shouldering the care of our children but giving her the time she wants which could be as long as a month to 10 years....am i that strong....i doubt it, i dont doubt that my heart would not attempt to keep the course, but would i just be wasting my time, only for her to come back with the same answer as ive heard for soo long....NO....can i allow my heart to suffer another attack of such great emotional disruption....beyond my emotions....can i physically do it, my emotional stability is interconnected to my overall physical well being so if i but my heart on the line for what could possibly be rejection in the long run, what would that do to me physically....will i end up hospitalized or worse dead from the turmoil of having my emotions which im just beginning to allow to fit into the world of my life....no longer living in just my head, but feeling the world around me, this is attributable to her and my children being in my life....but ive barely got a handle on it on them yet, so what would i be putting myself on the line for in the end....thats the real question....can i roll the dice without considering catching snake eyes....such is the way of gambling, as in life and love....all is fair.....
as to her ultimatum of opening our marriage, what marriage would i be opening...she doesnt see or consider what im saying....our marriage isnt healed, and yet she wants and wishes to add others to that mix....all that without dealing with the primary relationship, yes, we both could go out and find others to scratch our itch for sex, but if we're both living outside our marriage, why remain married, especially if we arent healing the marriage to begin with....so i guess she has answered from her lack of regard toward that real question....is it healthy for us to be sleeping with anyone else while remaining in a marriage we both wish to remain in, that is still in turmoil...without putting in the work necessary to right the wrongs on both sides....to me the answer is no...to her its whatever....it doesnt matter....so i know her answer, her mouth says she doesnt want a divorce but her utter refusal to appreciate what it is im asking, yet still wanting her wants met, leaves me but with the choice to decide for myself whats right.....time, or just giving her what she wishes....to not be obliged to be in a marriage of balance, of true partnership....
i dont have all the answers, and i dont have her support in finding them either....so i dont know
