last breath...unheard

I had been going round and round in circles tracing the steps of the past searching for the end of the many hurts feet carving my grave in the steady progression of spiraling stupidity i used to call living
my swag was high higher even than my consciousness so high was my supposed swag that i mistook me for the sun and thought myself to be the glory even on my knees tossing up the abuse ingested and dealt out i prayed to myself for salvation clasping my greedy palms together squeezing the liquid gold from the penny patch held consumable drug i possessed i mouthed the words see me through to the other side and i promise to stop the travesty of my life right here at this point and change directions only to find i was too broke to complete the course and resumed the trek of self deprecation three snorts, thirty inhales and thirty swallows consumed constipation soon to be zombie life drudgery i made the 360 look special, fly even...but like most with the ignorance to say yo he totally changed he was once doing this and then did a 360 and now is doing so much better....i had confused the view of the circle to mean i had came out on the otherside smelling like a saint, washed anew from head to toe...that was till i ran into the bullet that really spun me around, then upside down....choking on my breath i now pray, i now see that the sun is soo much brighter than the dullness i was and will never be again.....my grave already dug, im finished and these words travel on the winds of my last breath unheard

The beginning of the end

We entered into the angry part of divorce..typical instead of us finding a way forward we have determined that it would be best to part ways...in a lot of ways this may well be the best thing that has happened to the two of us since we got married...we will no longer be wrapped in the more of obligation to one another...we can begin putting the pieces of ourselves back together...the only hiccup is my decision to walk away from the responsibility of my children...a part of me will always feel responsible for their well being given that I've spent so much time to developing them, I guess that time was spent in preparing them for the life that will soon follow my decision...I don't look at it do much as damage done but life given..I will be giving myself a chance at life again no more sacrificing to them and her just so that I can retain some semblance of family structure and sanity...I don't know how long I will be gone from their side or if I'm gonna be able to detach fully from their lives or if we will find some way to make this as un painful as possible...even as I consider these things I kno and am sure that I love her but I can't hold all this together alone and I refuse to be a kiss ass or a pushover in order for her to feel ok in staying in this marriage...

the beginnings to the end

today was an utter collapse back into the same patterns of last year...im still the one pleading for more than just empty words, and soft sorry's and continued i don't knows...yet when given the opportunity to stand up and say you're right babes, i could afford myself the opportunity to correct even if it is just one day a week, the problems i see with the well being of our children...yes i understand that my not being there for the most part is still an unfortunate problem that I'm still dealing with but i will make a better effort to work toward fixing that....i will make a solemn commitment to be more present in what my children need, what you need....I will make more of my presence in this marriage and family than just happy afternoons, and dates...I will effect the change i wish to see in my life...beyond just myself...

none of that happened, what took place was the instant victimization of self, the I can'ts and the I'm being beat upon for not doing enough, not being enough....no responsibility claimed as to the real life that she has not the fantasy life she envisions in her head...

so what now...do i continue to hold out faith that things will change, even if she can't put on shoes or go barefoot to be a part of that change where it doesn't only concern her...i completely understand her wants, cause i've heard nothing more than them for two years...i only wished that she heard herself....really listened to herself...when asked to be the bigger person and move beyond the hurt that she feels, the pain that she feels in not being there for our children as much as she would like....she chose to say fuck it, i'll no longer say anything....i can't for the life of me understand how does she plan on opening up our marriage when she has yet to deal with the overwhelming frustration that is our marriage situation.....

but honestly why do i still care what she thinks, feels, or wants anymore? is love sooo moving that it can stop you from facing the truth...that what is right in front of you lies the key to your own life, give her the kids, force her to really live as you do, struggling to create a life of your own while maintaining the lives of those around you....force her to take on the responsibility she accepted the two times she made the choice to become a mother.....in the end on that line of thinking i'd only hurt myself, so caught in the love i have for my kids that i can't see myself separating from them longer than hours...and even then i have to fight the temptation to not call every half hour to fine out how they're doing....so strung out on being more than my own father was to me, that i would sacrifice my very life at a moments notice to make sure they are okay....

so how do i turn off my heart, how do i cut out the parts of my heart that still beat for her, that helped foster this man that is here now....even as belittled as i feel when she says that even i don't care that my children's diet revolves around the same stock meals week after week....though as much as she has to say on the subject she's only pointing the finger at everyone around her, without looking in the mirror and pointing the finger at herself saying she only cares in word, not in action, cause even as i told her pick one day a week to come up and cook a meal for your kids, she just turned her mind to she can't....there's nothing she can do....

divorce doesn't scare me, its the loneliness of being a single parent that scares me....i barely have support now, for my own life...much less my kids....im expected to always be there for everybody, but who is there for me....who is there to lift my spirits when i fall low on myself....as to everything else in my life it is left to me...i am my own battery, my own lover, my own partner, my own motivation, my own determiner of my life.....

the timetable of it all just blows....i have to come up with 125 for kharis uniform....487 for my glasses....a 140 every month for my phone....diapers for niya though potty training is getting better....i have to maintain a tues schedule for yoga so that i can have some sort of relief from the weight of it all, and add in time to grow and develop my business, my life should not be on hold for anything at this point....80 bucks to put away toward my security license...another 80 bucks towards my learners permit....150 to complete road lessons so that a car can be in my future....and now 500 to put down to begin the process of completely dissolving our marriage....not because i don't want our marriage to work, i just don't want to be caught off guard and having to maintain the appearance of a marriage simply because we're too broke to get a divorce....

breathe, all i can do at this point is breathe....take it one day at a time, slowly prepare myself for an exit that will be just as crushing as falling 10000 ft to the ground....

beginning again...AND AND

im right back to the beginning...i should have known better than to let my guard down again...moving to vegas was a mistake, a bigger one was allowing her to take niya....i knew then she couldn't do it, if she wasnt doing it here, why did i think her taking niya there would make it any different...only i should have to have the perserverence to care for and develop our children, our family...only i should have to be that strong on a daily basis....i thought we were passed accusations of the past, opening old wounds just to cause new ones...i was soo wrong....its okay now, my heart and mind are not too far from the same point....we arent finished with the past, its still too fresh to make a clean start....so from her standpoint time is what will make it clearer, time along with the instigation of false loves and selling each other short, holding neither ourselves to a higher standard or establishing a solid framework of honesty, trust and communication....we are still distant and the chasm is growing instead of closing....maybe she's right divorce would solve for her the feeling of obligation she has, and i guess cloud over the resentment she holds toward me...though i dont see her holding the mirror up to herself and looking at her mistakes, her wrongs and acknowledging them for aiding in us getting here....but enough about her.....

i now have to reestablish myself in the life of my daughter beyond the phone calls and prayers i hold in my heart....flying out to vegas to collect my heart and bring her back, so that i can feel just as helpless, yet patient and strong enough to make sure that they both know that i would sacrifice any and everything for them, for their development, for their well being...but in that sacrifice i cannot allow myself to fall apart in the process....i must continue to build myself back to my former self...one of complete confidence in and within himself to hold together the life he leads every and each day....i must make a plan on how i go about doing that while managing two children, without much help...my grandmother is here and she wont ever mind watching niya during the day, while i make gains in my life...which is fine....except that she wont foster her development beyond the television being on...so that part will still fall on my shoulders....k'hari will be fine in as long as he has stability in school...i pray he gets in leadership academy...of all the schools it has the most comprehensive curriculm, the most solid evidence of what their academic program can and has done....as well as once he's in, she automatically gets in once she's of age to begin kindergarten....i have to speak with bryan about whether niya can attend singleton once she's four even though k'hari will have already completed and moved on from HCZ.....

then theres the issue of my marriage...what do i do about the utter mess that this marriage has become....im beyond the punishing myself for what i have already done and cant change, im also done punishing her for her lack of understanding or support....the little she has done is just that the little she has done, because for all that she has done, it was all with tinges of begrudgement...so what was the point of giving any support if it was so that you could throw it in my face later....so where do i go from here....i love her, more deeply than i could have thought i would have felt about someone....even in my most frustrated, angered disposition i still would help her in her time of need, ive still stood by and supported her, even when it was to my own hearts wellbeing....divorcing her would solve most of that, she will no longer be a person in my life, nor that of our children, because if you cant be present for them on a day to day basis, 100% parenting, then why be in their lives at all....it isnt punishment but it is the truth...after one month you cant do it alone....i did it alone for the most part for well over a year....and your response when i told you it was causing me great emotional strain, was good for you....so why would i continue to punish them with a mother who cant see beyond herself to really participate in the day to day upbringing and development of her children....in her own words she cant do this, the everyday parenting, the 24hr on call, dealing with the screaming, the whining, the needs, the wants of children....does that mean she doesnt love them...it means that her love is only good from a distance...so would i be wrong in asking for her to sign them over to me completely....on the other hand, id still be shouldering the care of our children but giving her the time she wants which could be as long as a month to 10 years....am i that strong....i doubt it, i dont doubt that my heart would not attempt to keep the course, but would i just be wasting my time, only for her to come back with the same answer as ive heard for soo long....NO....can i allow my heart to suffer another attack of such great emotional disruption....beyond my emotions....can i physically do it, my emotional stability is interconnected to my overall physical well being so if i but my heart on the line for what could possibly be rejection in the long run, what would that do to me physically....will i end up hospitalized or worse dead from the turmoil of having my emotions which im just beginning to allow to fit into the world of my life....no longer living in just my head, but feeling the world around me, this is attributable to her and my children being in my life....but ive barely got a handle on it on them yet, so what would i be putting myself on the line for in the end....thats the real question....can i roll the dice without considering catching snake eyes....such is the way of gambling, as in life and love....all is fair.....

as to her ultimatum of opening our marriage, what marriage would i be opening...she doesnt see or consider what im saying....our marriage isnt healed, and yet she wants and wishes to add others to that mix....all that without dealing with the primary relationship, yes, we both could go out and find others to scratch our itch for sex, but if we're both living outside our marriage, why remain married, especially if we arent healing the marriage to begin with....so i guess she has answered from her lack of regard toward that real question....is it healthy for us to be sleeping with anyone else while remaining in a marriage we both wish to remain in, that is still in turmoil...without putting in the work necessary to right the wrongs on both sides....to me the answer is no...to her its whatever....it doesnt matter....so i know her answer, her mouth says she doesnt want a divorce but her utter refusal to appreciate what it is im asking, yet still wanting her wants met, leaves me but with the choice to decide for myself whats right.....time, or just giving her what she wishes....to not be obliged to be in a marriage of balance, of true partnership....

i dont have all the answers, and i dont have her support in finding them either....so i dont know

progress is makin da choice to move forward

its a sad moment expressed in quiet as i have no more tears for a heartbreak that has been going on for ova a year..so im letting go of the hope of a reunion..i will continue on the plan for the new year, get myself together so that i can be a better more stronger version of me today...it will be hard to let go complety i have no illusions about the road ive entered on but its a necessary step for me to clear my life of things that hinder my growth...i have occupied to much of my life holding an image of a family together...my heart is heavy with the thoughts of walking away from thag image but i have to if im ever going to be able to sit among them and not feel so crushed by the want of that image to be a reality...ending the year with this decison has awakened a part of me that i had thought was lost to me, i have found and regained some semblence of me and refuse to go back to this old sad sorry me that has held me in a dark place filled with despair and illness...entering the year ready to make the tough decisions has enabled me to breathe a little bit easier and i accept the blame that is sure to be hurled at me stemming from this choice and as with all the wrongs placed at my feet i will deal with it, i am the bastard of old values and that will.never change...love is fighting to stay together, but there is no love here anymore, so the fight is over all spectators have.already left and.im in the ring alone...im ok with that...

Jose Sanchez

Fwd: hatred and love

Jose Sanchez

-------- Original message --------
Subject: hatred and love
From: Jose Sanchez <sanchez_j138@hotmail.com>
To: "sanchez_j138@hotmail.com" <sanchez_j138@hotmail.com>
CC:

its no wonder we are still fighting, we both still have so much anger left over from the fighting that has ceased...i honestly thought we were beyond that but apparently i was sooo wrong...she still doesnt see her role in the problems we have as being legitimate...its still all my fault...my choice placed us here not her choices to push and continue to push me over the edge those choices had nothing to do with the incident...just like her continued lies and subliminals have.nothing to do with why i.still have a lack of trust in her words or actions...im feeling more and more secure in letting go completely...allowing her to push for and succeed at obtaining a divorce...i can continue to fight for our marriage surviving but id be the only one fighting for it...shes lost to me and ive been soooo blinded by the words of hope that i havent heard it in the.crawl spaces of silence held between us...tax time this coming year ill sacrifice as i have always done and make her exit possible so she can then be happy, single and without blame for why we are divorced...i want my name back in return and her to take the majority of carr of our children because i fear what i will feel after the divorce may affect how i raise our children after...that fear of my resentment and anger has thus far shielded me from what is essentially the truth, we have been over for little over a year now...we have just never made it official...the separation hasnt been to get some perspective it has been to make a divorce as amicable as humanly possible wen two people still carry.some love.and hope in their hearts for a better relationship with each other...and maybe the divorce will bring that about...the closing of the door of our union may bring about the opening of the door to a deeper friendship and coparenting that is just as effective and nuturing as we have been able to provide thus far but without the unspoken resentment we both have.over still being with one another...i dont know anything anymore...but i do know that we are not making it as a couple not because we dont want to but because it just isnt something we both want as we look upon each.other...we are further apart than we have been before the kids and even further apart than we have been after the incident...the past still haunts our relationship and im assured that the stain of the past will never be wiped clean i will always be the monster, i will always be that day...no matter how i try or dont react i will never recover the injuries i have inflicted...it serves me right...i should have died that day, that year...so much of me did die in the past year never to be heard from again...so much of my spirit has been torn apart that when i look upon my reflection im not sure of what i see...i have become a distorted version of myself, lost in the mired ugliness of the past...the person i was, am, is not close to the image of my true self...i still hold a high self worth, and a good self esteem about my progress as a man and father and husband...i have my failings and my faults, but the equality of a partner who can and does accept me at my best and worst is still not there...so i must move beyond the hope of finding thay acceptance in her eyes and heart...i have apologized to her, to myself...i have forgiven myself and asked for forgiveness from her...but i can't no longer hold out hope that that forgiveness will ever come...we have reached that point where there is no other place to go but away from each other becuase we would just continue to pollute each others lives to the point of insanity...and i cant afford to go crazy or go backwards to the point where my body begins to fail me again...this is my plan to save myself from the pit of despair the blackness that has been surrounding me..that sense of darkness that comes when you have lost faith in yourself...i was there before...i cant go back...i love the light of my life i love the sunshine that has begun to show me that the storm that has been punishing me is almost over...my life is not in shambles, i just havent recovered enough of it to carry myself past the hurt and anger...and blame...it is both our faults...she wants it to either be all mine or all hers...or simply to not exist...blame does exist hurt and anger as well...but it is a choice to continue to weild them as such or to let them go so that you can movr forward...i must let her go so that i can move forward

Jose Sanchez

147

todays word:accountability

where do you place blame when you dont really want to point fingers..im so over being the forgive and forget type but im seriously taken aback by lack of understanding...her rationale for being consistently late i dont work for the mta...but you control how you spend your day so if you're accountable for the rest of your day how is it that you dont see yourself accountable for your own latenesses...you cant blame the service if you are not giving yourself a cushion to get there on time or rather not taking into consideration that things may happen beyond your control...then i have accept my own mistakes i cld hav jus gotten up n got my own child instead of waiting for his mother..im jus as culpable for the.problems...so today is about accountability

Jose Sanchez

1237

i cant love alone, so what of a love that wishes to flit and flitter about while holding on....how does one cope with the potential of having to let go of love when they have finally allowed themselves to feel love..how does one grasp the reality that love is sooo easy to fall for yet so tough to let go of...today i heard the cry of my heart as it broke...stomped on by the love it so badly wants to hold onto...though it wasnt a finale cuz love says its intentions arent to have this end but it cant predict the future...WTF...how can you soo easily say yes to whoring about but say IDK to keeping it faithful...have i really laid down my heart in the comforts of an adultris...how do i reconcile my heart with my addiction to her, when i feel so alone in my efforts to remain strong in love

Jose Sanchez

248

perfection is always locked in the memories we keep locked away in our hearts. i still hold many moments of perfection in mine and i add to my collection almost daily...tonite i captured another...my wife and daughter laying together it wld seem like its been forever since ive seen this picture...its a peaceful feeling just watching my two ladies amongst each other...and i will often gaze upon this moment and many just like it when they leave...less than sixty days till they depart and my life gets completely torn apart...i will miss the balance my wife provides...and i will greatly miss the smiles and sunshine that is my daughter...but these memories will sustain me till i have them both with me again...perfection='s the moment of joy locked in your heart...

Jose Sanchez

735

when you think life is tough and you cant do it anymore...as a single parent...sit and watch you're children develop and grow...it will illicit so much more energy from you that you'll find continuing an easy task...today i watched my children share a moment of growth over my sons pre k homework and it was magical for me...i know everything will work out when it comes to me and them growing up strong and loving life...

Jose Sanchez

1002

jus because i wish it so doesnt mean itll happen...lesson to be relearned...she had plans i didnt remember and instead of communicating that she rehashes the same line..im tired...my day was long...and so what...outside of ur meeting what did u really do that was sooo tiring...nothing...u took care of ur children...wow...i do the same, xcept my day usually begins and ends with them, urs dont...get over urself...arrgh..ok...off the negative and back to the positive...how am i wrong for supporting her wish to do these open mike sessions, by saying ur relieved...go take care of u for tonite i forgot this was a commitment u made for self...y doesnt she see that instead of it being that im shoving her out...one day itll all make sense...on a positive note ive begun online sessions with a single mothers group that has renewed my dedication to taking this seperation for what it is a transition to a better me, a better her and hopefully a better us even if the us isnt together...the insights were on point and honest because they came from ppl going through or have been through much of what im currently going through...it was lovely to finally put it all out there...and my aim for tonite was to sit down with her and put our seperation on paper so its concrete about what we expect from each other during this trial seperation...alas all she got from it was the potential of an arguement cuz she isnt ready to face the situation head on...we shall see wed...

Jose Sanchez

hold my hand daddy

hold my hand
my fav phrase today
his eyes lit up wit excitement and fear

hold my hand
she calls out
her voice light but strong

my grip comforting, securing,
days filled wit the repetition of being Dad, the muscle memory of getting up and pursuing smiles from my children, the intake and exhalation of being Dad, feet hurt, mind numb, attitude bumpy, heart full of joy...i can do this forever it beats...

hold my hand
they say
i gladly do

Jose Sanchez

1231

let me love you...wen ur ready to love me, itll come naturally...so for now, let me love you

Jose Sanchez

1100

right word wrong construct...i am desperate to totally give over to getting my family out of this hole we've been in...i want so much to taste fresh air, that every oppurtunity is a chance to stay alive in this life, im needed here, i matter here...my pleas to you is patience and peace...doors r opening for me, pls allow me the chance to do wat ur doin getting the chance to live da life u want for u minus me...these doors that are opening will give u the chance, the oppurtunity to do more to get back to you, at least the you you want to be sans chez...i love that name...i love you..and just want to give you what you want...so i plead wit you to work with me im settling a lot of shit so we can be free to be ourselves without clashing...if we're serious about getting niya out of that care, and our children out of that atmosphere, then give me support to plant my foot somewhere...shit two pay periods...after that we can put together a real plan to do just that...our son is taking care of, our daughter is in a consistent situation...we can get you in an apartment so the picture of your involvement changes, no more outside opinions...pay down our debts so we can go and finish our academic rise...one hand washes the other, both wash the face...

Jose Sanchez

1050

i sit here trying to watch tv...but my daughter is writhing in pain from being bit up by mosquitos...sad to say that this week i dropped the ball with so many big things going on i left out simple summer time protection for my lil girl...i kno i make it seem so major, and in this context it seems so minor...and it is a very minor thing...calamine lotion, and off skintastic and i have my fix...but in da future i have to be better at organizing the small things as well as the big things in my life...on another note today was my sons first official day at school, it began as i expected excitement before entering the building then sadness as he realized i was leaving and he was staying...but after five minutes his natural survivor instinct took over and he insulated his feelings and attended class...we spoke wen i picked him up, over ice cream he told me wat made his day and wat didnt work for him...it was a singular powerful moment of being a great dad...on a personal front i passed the hurdle of the city exam...92.5 great score and now validated with the prospect of being able to provide a full and comfortable life for my kids and myself...i can breath a bit easier...this year has had its high and low points but im finally coming out of the valley and approaching the climb bak to the vista that was my life...with the added beauty of my present life now...daringmetobme has now become beingmeisdaonlymeiaimtobe...

Jose Sanchez

945

it is what it is...today was a beautiful day of being..for the second day in a row we went to the movies...transformers came out...no need for 3D...the movie was fantastic...crowded...and we had to look up to watch it...but it was soo worth the neck stretch...then it was mcdonalds...by the time we finally arrived home the kids were beat as was i...four thirty...whoa imagine being around ur children from 730 till four thirty...now thats a job, at the very least its a shift...dinner was recieved with lukewarm responses...they liked da rice but the shrimp wasnt happening...nxt time i guess....lol...bath and snack time as always no problem...nine oclock sleep time...kids r sleep by 930...this is my wonderful world of parenting...im getting good at this...soon i should have the day mastered like a swiss army knife...lol...even with the hiccups of the day...nothing short of an earthquake could have made my day worse...i think ive finally made it out of my cloudy, gloomy mindset and have settled into the calm of my days...

Jose Sanchez

112

life is such a fantastic treat sometimes...i lay here with my babies as they sleep..my son lays distance away but his body is leaning toward me..while my daughter lays at my legs clutching them as if id disappear if she let go..im tired but im filled with energy because im here with my kids and they make my weaknesses flutter away like so many butterflies in spring..next week our son starts school and i couldnt b happier he'll be around children his own age in an environment where he'll be challenged to his full potential..leaving me able to look for work, and or spend time with my daughter..shes potty training and its a process that is taking way to long for me..not,really but im alone in this task..her caregiver is lazy in her potty training, which leaves me feeling arrgh, but its ok..ill do it cuz im her dad, and their best can only b gotten to if i put the time into it...and for my children i have all the time in da world...i so love them that the sacrifices i make mean nothing in comparison...life is beautiful, once u move past the tragedy of losing parts of u, cuz u have them...ahhh that moment is difficult to get to but im here now and,its good and was well worth the trip...tomorrow brings more joy so till tomorrow ill sleep smiling, cuz they are my earth and i feel grounded...

Jose Sanchez

is it worth it

i can feel the heat of rage and frustration rising from u, and i understand it...these r ur children and u should have unrestricted access to them...but this is her house and she has all rights to say u cant be there regardless...and im simply too tired of fighting the two of u over the kids...i do the best i can to get u as much access i can while u still dont have a place of ur own...i know how sad u feel not being able to be around more for ur children, and i completely sympathize with ur plight of having to work those hours to provide wat u can....i can appreciate the overwhelming stress ur under which added together would lead u to jus want to go out and drink urself to relief...i feel the same way...i hate feeling like im a burden to u...its all wearing on me as well...im working on my end to lessen that burden, and ask for a bit more patience and just less attitude from u...i know it isnt intentional all da time either one of our attitudes but we both need to breath a bit before we respond to one another...fighting with one another doesnt help any...not communicating with one another is killing us...and we need each other to maintain our children in da best possible way...i hope we can continue finding and building roads and bridges to having a healthier relationship...always with and in love

Jose Sanchez

427

i wonder wat makes her so angry because i feel she takes a step back wen it comes to her own children, wen sometimes its exactly wat she does...she feels shes treated like a child wen she has to give account to wat she has planned for da day, but has nerve to ask me y i need a day, and frm wat tyme to wat tyme...y do i need to giv u account for my whereabouts...what makes u so different from me...outside of ur job and ur chillin wit fds...wat tyme r u putting toward ur children...take care of u first...that mindset sounds silly to me wen u hav children...take care of ur children first then concern urself wit makin u feel good about u...how dare u put urself before ur kids...that last part is where da differences r btwn us...ill disregard myself to make sure our children r proper...our son is on his way to prek...she took very little part in makin that happen...but will more than likely feel good abt the accomplishment of him goin...will she be there to take him to school or pick him up no...but shes putting in those hours to give me the financial support i need to continue to b there pushing our children....i can at the very least appreciate that...but wen do i get some appreciation for doin wat u cannot do...it isnt as if im sayin u dont want to, even though on occassion i may feel that way...so if i ask for information to coordinate my week n da kids week n da times u r available to c them, shut up n deal wit it, cuz ur not here swit them daily...i am....and though it bothers me that i must remain strong throughout this protracted seperation i do it anyway...i love her of that im sure...i want her in my life for as long as i can hold breath in my lungs...but things need to change...i shldnt be treated like i dnt do shit or i aint shit becuz u hav issue wit the life u hav, not being da life u want...i didnt wake up ready to b a parent but i got ready...fine i dont hav a job, will that always b true no...so y continue to harp on it considering i walk to interviews, and im managing to build my companies, while including u in them, so that u kno im serious about u being in my plans for da future...u keep me at a distance, then get mad wen i question da validity of ur statements of not wanting a divorce....i pray for da resolve and strength to continue...it isnt easy and sometimes i do get angry, hurt, frustrated, upset...am i not entitiled to feel these things and still say i love u...isnt that wat u do...

Jose Sanchez

hopelessly chasing a shadow

im the only one here running myself down expecting some form of hope that we will be ok but it would seem that im only lying to myself..she said it we're not together...divorce is off the table we both dont want it...so then what are we doing, just being seperated...to what end...how long are we gonna stay away from each other...when do we get to the point where we begin reaching out toward one another instead of this constant running she wants to do...when do we fight for each other instead of fighting with one another...why does everything have to be sooo hard...all i want is to go home to her arms, to feel her hug me with her strength...to feel her look at me the way i look at her, with love for all of what i kno and what has yet to be revealed...i miss her touch, her breath caressing my skin as we laid side by side dreaming of the tomorrows to come...instead im met with distance and disregard...and i feel like the locks have been changed to the door that leads to my home...and im floored...ive been physically homeless, but ive never felt more raw or alone than to be left looking inside from the outside to the place ive been so attached to for over six years...home...im running toward it but it just keeps backing away from me all the time, my feet wont tire, because i desire the warmth of home within my soul...

Jose Sanchez