Tuesday, July 17, 2012
The beginning of the end
We entered into the angry part of divorce..typical instead of us finding a way forward we have determined that it would be best to part ways...in a lot of ways this may well be the best thing that has happened to the two of us since we got married...we will no longer be wrapped in the more of obligation to one another...we can begin putting the pieces of ourselves back together...the only hiccup is my decision to walk away from the responsibility of my children...a part of me will always feel responsible for their well being given that I've spent so much time to developing them, I guess that time was spent in preparing them for the life that will soon follow my decision...I don't look at it do much as damage done but life given..I will be giving myself a chance at life again no more sacrificing to them and her just so that I can retain some semblance of family structure and sanity...I don't know how long I will be gone from their side or if I'm gonna be able to detach fully from their lives or if we will find some way to make this as un painful as possible...even as I consider these things I kno and am sure that I love her but I can't hold all this together alone and I refuse to be a kiss ass or a pushover in order for her to feel ok in staying in this marriage...
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
the beginnings to the end
today was an utter collapse back into the same patterns of last year...im still the one pleading for more than just empty words, and soft sorry's and continued i don't knows...yet when given the opportunity to stand up and say you're right babes, i could afford myself the opportunity to correct even if it is just one day a week, the problems i see with the well being of our children...yes i understand that my not being there for the most part is still an unfortunate problem that I'm still dealing with but i will make a better effort to work toward fixing that....i will make a solemn commitment to be more present in what my children need, what you need....I will make more of my presence in this marriage and family than just happy afternoons, and dates...I will effect the change i wish to see in my life...beyond just myself...
none of that happened, what took place was the instant victimization of self, the I can'ts and the I'm being beat upon for not doing enough, not being enough....no responsibility claimed as to the real life that she has not the fantasy life she envisions in her head...
so what now...do i continue to hold out faith that things will change, even if she can't put on shoes or go barefoot to be a part of that change where it doesn't only concern her...i completely understand her wants, cause i've heard nothing more than them for two years...i only wished that she heard herself....really listened to herself...when asked to be the bigger person and move beyond the hurt that she feels, the pain that she feels in not being there for our children as much as she would like....she chose to say fuck it, i'll no longer say anything....i can't for the life of me understand how does she plan on opening up our marriage when she has yet to deal with the overwhelming frustration that is our marriage situation.....
but honestly why do i still care what she thinks, feels, or wants anymore? is love sooo moving that it can stop you from facing the truth...that what is right in front of you lies the key to your own life, give her the kids, force her to really live as you do, struggling to create a life of your own while maintaining the lives of those around you....force her to take on the responsibility she accepted the two times she made the choice to become a mother.....in the end on that line of thinking i'd only hurt myself, so caught in the love i have for my kids that i can't see myself separating from them longer than hours...and even then i have to fight the temptation to not call every half hour to fine out how they're doing....so strung out on being more than my own father was to me, that i would sacrifice my very life at a moments notice to make sure they are okay....
so how do i turn off my heart, how do i cut out the parts of my heart that still beat for her, that helped foster this man that is here now....even as belittled as i feel when she says that even i don't care that my children's diet revolves around the same stock meals week after week....though as much as she has to say on the subject she's only pointing the finger at everyone around her, without looking in the mirror and pointing the finger at herself saying she only cares in word, not in action, cause even as i told her pick one day a week to come up and cook a meal for your kids, she just turned her mind to she can't....there's nothing she can do....
divorce doesn't scare me, its the loneliness of being a single parent that scares me....i barely have support now, for my own life...much less my kids....im expected to always be there for everybody, but who is there for me....who is there to lift my spirits when i fall low on myself....as to everything else in my life it is left to me...i am my own battery, my own lover, my own partner, my own motivation, my own determiner of my life.....
the timetable of it all just blows....i have to come up with 125 for kharis uniform....487 for my glasses....a 140 every month for my phone....diapers for niya though potty training is getting better....i have to maintain a tues schedule for yoga so that i can have some sort of relief from the weight of it all, and add in time to grow and develop my business, my life should not be on hold for anything at this point....80 bucks to put away toward my security license...another 80 bucks towards my learners permit....150 to complete road lessons so that a car can be in my future....and now 500 to put down to begin the process of completely dissolving our marriage....not because i don't want our marriage to work, i just don't want to be caught off guard and having to maintain the appearance of a marriage simply because we're too broke to get a divorce....
breathe, all i can do at this point is breathe....take it one day at a time, slowly prepare myself for an exit that will be just as crushing as falling 10000 ft to the ground....
none of that happened, what took place was the instant victimization of self, the I can'ts and the I'm being beat upon for not doing enough, not being enough....no responsibility claimed as to the real life that she has not the fantasy life she envisions in her head...
so what now...do i continue to hold out faith that things will change, even if she can't put on shoes or go barefoot to be a part of that change where it doesn't only concern her...i completely understand her wants, cause i've heard nothing more than them for two years...i only wished that she heard herself....really listened to herself...when asked to be the bigger person and move beyond the hurt that she feels, the pain that she feels in not being there for our children as much as she would like....she chose to say fuck it, i'll no longer say anything....i can't for the life of me understand how does she plan on opening up our marriage when she has yet to deal with the overwhelming frustration that is our marriage situation.....
but honestly why do i still care what she thinks, feels, or wants anymore? is love sooo moving that it can stop you from facing the truth...that what is right in front of you lies the key to your own life, give her the kids, force her to really live as you do, struggling to create a life of your own while maintaining the lives of those around you....force her to take on the responsibility she accepted the two times she made the choice to become a mother.....in the end on that line of thinking i'd only hurt myself, so caught in the love i have for my kids that i can't see myself separating from them longer than hours...and even then i have to fight the temptation to not call every half hour to fine out how they're doing....so strung out on being more than my own father was to me, that i would sacrifice my very life at a moments notice to make sure they are okay....
so how do i turn off my heart, how do i cut out the parts of my heart that still beat for her, that helped foster this man that is here now....even as belittled as i feel when she says that even i don't care that my children's diet revolves around the same stock meals week after week....though as much as she has to say on the subject she's only pointing the finger at everyone around her, without looking in the mirror and pointing the finger at herself saying she only cares in word, not in action, cause even as i told her pick one day a week to come up and cook a meal for your kids, she just turned her mind to she can't....there's nothing she can do....
divorce doesn't scare me, its the loneliness of being a single parent that scares me....i barely have support now, for my own life...much less my kids....im expected to always be there for everybody, but who is there for me....who is there to lift my spirits when i fall low on myself....as to everything else in my life it is left to me...i am my own battery, my own lover, my own partner, my own motivation, my own determiner of my life.....
the timetable of it all just blows....i have to come up with 125 for kharis uniform....487 for my glasses....a 140 every month for my phone....diapers for niya though potty training is getting better....i have to maintain a tues schedule for yoga so that i can have some sort of relief from the weight of it all, and add in time to grow and develop my business, my life should not be on hold for anything at this point....80 bucks to put away toward my security license...another 80 bucks towards my learners permit....150 to complete road lessons so that a car can be in my future....and now 500 to put down to begin the process of completely dissolving our marriage....not because i don't want our marriage to work, i just don't want to be caught off guard and having to maintain the appearance of a marriage simply because we're too broke to get a divorce....
breathe, all i can do at this point is breathe....take it one day at a time, slowly prepare myself for an exit that will be just as crushing as falling 10000 ft to the ground....
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