progress is makin da choice to move forward

its a sad moment expressed in quiet as i have no more tears for a heartbreak that has been going on for ova a year..so im letting go of the hope of a reunion..i will continue on the plan for the new year, get myself together so that i can be a better more stronger version of me today...it will be hard to let go complety i have no illusions about the road ive entered on but its a necessary step for me to clear my life of things that hinder my growth...i have occupied to much of my life holding an image of a family together...my heart is heavy with the thoughts of walking away from thag image but i have to if im ever going to be able to sit among them and not feel so crushed by the want of that image to be a reality...ending the year with this decison has awakened a part of me that i had thought was lost to me, i have found and regained some semblence of me and refuse to go back to this old sad sorry me that has held me in a dark place filled with despair and illness...entering the year ready to make the tough decisions has enabled me to breathe a little bit easier and i accept the blame that is sure to be hurled at me stemming from this choice and as with all the wrongs placed at my feet i will deal with it, i am the bastard of old values and that will.never change...love is fighting to stay together, but there is no love here anymore, so the fight is over all spectators have.already left and.im in the ring alone...im ok with that...

Jose Sanchez

Fwd: hatred and love

Jose Sanchez

-------- Original message --------
Subject: hatred and love
From: Jose Sanchez <sanchez_j138@hotmail.com>
To: "sanchez_j138@hotmail.com" <sanchez_j138@hotmail.com>
CC:

its no wonder we are still fighting, we both still have so much anger left over from the fighting that has ceased...i honestly thought we were beyond that but apparently i was sooo wrong...she still doesnt see her role in the problems we have as being legitimate...its still all my fault...my choice placed us here not her choices to push and continue to push me over the edge those choices had nothing to do with the incident...just like her continued lies and subliminals have.nothing to do with why i.still have a lack of trust in her words or actions...im feeling more and more secure in letting go completely...allowing her to push for and succeed at obtaining a divorce...i can continue to fight for our marriage surviving but id be the only one fighting for it...shes lost to me and ive been soooo blinded by the words of hope that i havent heard it in the.crawl spaces of silence held between us...tax time this coming year ill sacrifice as i have always done and make her exit possible so she can then be happy, single and without blame for why we are divorced...i want my name back in return and her to take the majority of carr of our children because i fear what i will feel after the divorce may affect how i raise our children after...that fear of my resentment and anger has thus far shielded me from what is essentially the truth, we have been over for little over a year now...we have just never made it official...the separation hasnt been to get some perspective it has been to make a divorce as amicable as humanly possible wen two people still carry.some love.and hope in their hearts for a better relationship with each other...and maybe the divorce will bring that about...the closing of the door of our union may bring about the opening of the door to a deeper friendship and coparenting that is just as effective and nuturing as we have been able to provide thus far but without the unspoken resentment we both have.over still being with one another...i dont know anything anymore...but i do know that we are not making it as a couple not because we dont want to but because it just isnt something we both want as we look upon each.other...we are further apart than we have been before the kids and even further apart than we have been after the incident...the past still haunts our relationship and im assured that the stain of the past will never be wiped clean i will always be the monster, i will always be that day...no matter how i try or dont react i will never recover the injuries i have inflicted...it serves me right...i should have died that day, that year...so much of me did die in the past year never to be heard from again...so much of my spirit has been torn apart that when i look upon my reflection im not sure of what i see...i have become a distorted version of myself, lost in the mired ugliness of the past...the person i was, am, is not close to the image of my true self...i still hold a high self worth, and a good self esteem about my progress as a man and father and husband...i have my failings and my faults, but the equality of a partner who can and does accept me at my best and worst is still not there...so i must move beyond the hope of finding thay acceptance in her eyes and heart...i have apologized to her, to myself...i have forgiven myself and asked for forgiveness from her...but i can't no longer hold out hope that that forgiveness will ever come...we have reached that point where there is no other place to go but away from each other becuase we would just continue to pollute each others lives to the point of insanity...and i cant afford to go crazy or go backwards to the point where my body begins to fail me again...this is my plan to save myself from the pit of despair the blackness that has been surrounding me..that sense of darkness that comes when you have lost faith in yourself...i was there before...i cant go back...i love the light of my life i love the sunshine that has begun to show me that the storm that has been punishing me is almost over...my life is not in shambles, i just havent recovered enough of it to carry myself past the hurt and anger...and blame...it is both our faults...she wants it to either be all mine or all hers...or simply to not exist...blame does exist hurt and anger as well...but it is a choice to continue to weild them as such or to let them go so that you can movr forward...i must let her go so that i can move forward

Jose Sanchez

147

todays word:accountability

where do you place blame when you dont really want to point fingers..im so over being the forgive and forget type but im seriously taken aback by lack of understanding...her rationale for being consistently late i dont work for the mta...but you control how you spend your day so if you're accountable for the rest of your day how is it that you dont see yourself accountable for your own latenesses...you cant blame the service if you are not giving yourself a cushion to get there on time or rather not taking into consideration that things may happen beyond your control...then i have accept my own mistakes i cld hav jus gotten up n got my own child instead of waiting for his mother..im jus as culpable for the.problems...so today is about accountability

Jose Sanchez

1237

i cant love alone, so what of a love that wishes to flit and flitter about while holding on....how does one cope with the potential of having to let go of love when they have finally allowed themselves to feel love..how does one grasp the reality that love is sooo easy to fall for yet so tough to let go of...today i heard the cry of my heart as it broke...stomped on by the love it so badly wants to hold onto...though it wasnt a finale cuz love says its intentions arent to have this end but it cant predict the future...WTF...how can you soo easily say yes to whoring about but say IDK to keeping it faithful...have i really laid down my heart in the comforts of an adultris...how do i reconcile my heart with my addiction to her, when i feel so alone in my efforts to remain strong in love

Jose Sanchez

248

perfection is always locked in the memories we keep locked away in our hearts. i still hold many moments of perfection in mine and i add to my collection almost daily...tonite i captured another...my wife and daughter laying together it wld seem like its been forever since ive seen this picture...its a peaceful feeling just watching my two ladies amongst each other...and i will often gaze upon this moment and many just like it when they leave...less than sixty days till they depart and my life gets completely torn apart...i will miss the balance my wife provides...and i will greatly miss the smiles and sunshine that is my daughter...but these memories will sustain me till i have them both with me again...perfection='s the moment of joy locked in your heart...

Jose Sanchez

735

when you think life is tough and you cant do it anymore...as a single parent...sit and watch you're children develop and grow...it will illicit so much more energy from you that you'll find continuing an easy task...today i watched my children share a moment of growth over my sons pre k homework and it was magical for me...i know everything will work out when it comes to me and them growing up strong and loving life...

Jose Sanchez

1002

jus because i wish it so doesnt mean itll happen...lesson to be relearned...she had plans i didnt remember and instead of communicating that she rehashes the same line..im tired...my day was long...and so what...outside of ur meeting what did u really do that was sooo tiring...nothing...u took care of ur children...wow...i do the same, xcept my day usually begins and ends with them, urs dont...get over urself...arrgh..ok...off the negative and back to the positive...how am i wrong for supporting her wish to do these open mike sessions, by saying ur relieved...go take care of u for tonite i forgot this was a commitment u made for self...y doesnt she see that instead of it being that im shoving her out...one day itll all make sense...on a positive note ive begun online sessions with a single mothers group that has renewed my dedication to taking this seperation for what it is a transition to a better me, a better her and hopefully a better us even if the us isnt together...the insights were on point and honest because they came from ppl going through or have been through much of what im currently going through...it was lovely to finally put it all out there...and my aim for tonite was to sit down with her and put our seperation on paper so its concrete about what we expect from each other during this trial seperation...alas all she got from it was the potential of an arguement cuz she isnt ready to face the situation head on...we shall see wed...

Jose Sanchez

hold my hand daddy

hold my hand
my fav phrase today
his eyes lit up wit excitement and fear

hold my hand
she calls out
her voice light but strong

my grip comforting, securing,
days filled wit the repetition of being Dad, the muscle memory of getting up and pursuing smiles from my children, the intake and exhalation of being Dad, feet hurt, mind numb, attitude bumpy, heart full of joy...i can do this forever it beats...

hold my hand
they say
i gladly do

Jose Sanchez

1231

let me love you...wen ur ready to love me, itll come naturally...so for now, let me love you

Jose Sanchez

1100

right word wrong construct...i am desperate to totally give over to getting my family out of this hole we've been in...i want so much to taste fresh air, that every oppurtunity is a chance to stay alive in this life, im needed here, i matter here...my pleas to you is patience and peace...doors r opening for me, pls allow me the chance to do wat ur doin getting the chance to live da life u want for u minus me...these doors that are opening will give u the chance, the oppurtunity to do more to get back to you, at least the you you want to be sans chez...i love that name...i love you..and just want to give you what you want...so i plead wit you to work with me im settling a lot of shit so we can be free to be ourselves without clashing...if we're serious about getting niya out of that care, and our children out of that atmosphere, then give me support to plant my foot somewhere...shit two pay periods...after that we can put together a real plan to do just that...our son is taking care of, our daughter is in a consistent situation...we can get you in an apartment so the picture of your involvement changes, no more outside opinions...pay down our debts so we can go and finish our academic rise...one hand washes the other, both wash the face...

Jose Sanchez

1050

i sit here trying to watch tv...but my daughter is writhing in pain from being bit up by mosquitos...sad to say that this week i dropped the ball with so many big things going on i left out simple summer time protection for my lil girl...i kno i make it seem so major, and in this context it seems so minor...and it is a very minor thing...calamine lotion, and off skintastic and i have my fix...but in da future i have to be better at organizing the small things as well as the big things in my life...on another note today was my sons first official day at school, it began as i expected excitement before entering the building then sadness as he realized i was leaving and he was staying...but after five minutes his natural survivor instinct took over and he insulated his feelings and attended class...we spoke wen i picked him up, over ice cream he told me wat made his day and wat didnt work for him...it was a singular powerful moment of being a great dad...on a personal front i passed the hurdle of the city exam...92.5 great score and now validated with the prospect of being able to provide a full and comfortable life for my kids and myself...i can breath a bit easier...this year has had its high and low points but im finally coming out of the valley and approaching the climb bak to the vista that was my life...with the added beauty of my present life now...daringmetobme has now become beingmeisdaonlymeiaimtobe...

Jose Sanchez

945

it is what it is...today was a beautiful day of being..for the second day in a row we went to the movies...transformers came out...no need for 3D...the movie was fantastic...crowded...and we had to look up to watch it...but it was soo worth the neck stretch...then it was mcdonalds...by the time we finally arrived home the kids were beat as was i...four thirty...whoa imagine being around ur children from 730 till four thirty...now thats a job, at the very least its a shift...dinner was recieved with lukewarm responses...they liked da rice but the shrimp wasnt happening...nxt time i guess....lol...bath and snack time as always no problem...nine oclock sleep time...kids r sleep by 930...this is my wonderful world of parenting...im getting good at this...soon i should have the day mastered like a swiss army knife...lol...even with the hiccups of the day...nothing short of an earthquake could have made my day worse...i think ive finally made it out of my cloudy, gloomy mindset and have settled into the calm of my days...

Jose Sanchez

112

life is such a fantastic treat sometimes...i lay here with my babies as they sleep..my son lays distance away but his body is leaning toward me..while my daughter lays at my legs clutching them as if id disappear if she let go..im tired but im filled with energy because im here with my kids and they make my weaknesses flutter away like so many butterflies in spring..next week our son starts school and i couldnt b happier he'll be around children his own age in an environment where he'll be challenged to his full potential..leaving me able to look for work, and or spend time with my daughter..shes potty training and its a process that is taking way to long for me..not,really but im alone in this task..her caregiver is lazy in her potty training, which leaves me feeling arrgh, but its ok..ill do it cuz im her dad, and their best can only b gotten to if i put the time into it...and for my children i have all the time in da world...i so love them that the sacrifices i make mean nothing in comparison...life is beautiful, once u move past the tragedy of losing parts of u, cuz u have them...ahhh that moment is difficult to get to but im here now and,its good and was well worth the trip...tomorrow brings more joy so till tomorrow ill sleep smiling, cuz they are my earth and i feel grounded...

Jose Sanchez

is it worth it

i can feel the heat of rage and frustration rising from u, and i understand it...these r ur children and u should have unrestricted access to them...but this is her house and she has all rights to say u cant be there regardless...and im simply too tired of fighting the two of u over the kids...i do the best i can to get u as much access i can while u still dont have a place of ur own...i know how sad u feel not being able to be around more for ur children, and i completely sympathize with ur plight of having to work those hours to provide wat u can....i can appreciate the overwhelming stress ur under which added together would lead u to jus want to go out and drink urself to relief...i feel the same way...i hate feeling like im a burden to u...its all wearing on me as well...im working on my end to lessen that burden, and ask for a bit more patience and just less attitude from u...i know it isnt intentional all da time either one of our attitudes but we both need to breath a bit before we respond to one another...fighting with one another doesnt help any...not communicating with one another is killing us...and we need each other to maintain our children in da best possible way...i hope we can continue finding and building roads and bridges to having a healthier relationship...always with and in love

Jose Sanchez

427

i wonder wat makes her so angry because i feel she takes a step back wen it comes to her own children, wen sometimes its exactly wat she does...she feels shes treated like a child wen she has to give account to wat she has planned for da day, but has nerve to ask me y i need a day, and frm wat tyme to wat tyme...y do i need to giv u account for my whereabouts...what makes u so different from me...outside of ur job and ur chillin wit fds...wat tyme r u putting toward ur children...take care of u first...that mindset sounds silly to me wen u hav children...take care of ur children first then concern urself wit makin u feel good about u...how dare u put urself before ur kids...that last part is where da differences r btwn us...ill disregard myself to make sure our children r proper...our son is on his way to prek...she took very little part in makin that happen...but will more than likely feel good abt the accomplishment of him goin...will she be there to take him to school or pick him up no...but shes putting in those hours to give me the financial support i need to continue to b there pushing our children....i can at the very least appreciate that...but wen do i get some appreciation for doin wat u cannot do...it isnt as if im sayin u dont want to, even though on occassion i may feel that way...so if i ask for information to coordinate my week n da kids week n da times u r available to c them, shut up n deal wit it, cuz ur not here swit them daily...i am....and though it bothers me that i must remain strong throughout this protracted seperation i do it anyway...i love her of that im sure...i want her in my life for as long as i can hold breath in my lungs...but things need to change...i shldnt be treated like i dnt do shit or i aint shit becuz u hav issue wit the life u hav, not being da life u want...i didnt wake up ready to b a parent but i got ready...fine i dont hav a job, will that always b true no...so y continue to harp on it considering i walk to interviews, and im managing to build my companies, while including u in them, so that u kno im serious about u being in my plans for da future...u keep me at a distance, then get mad wen i question da validity of ur statements of not wanting a divorce....i pray for da resolve and strength to continue...it isnt easy and sometimes i do get angry, hurt, frustrated, upset...am i not entitiled to feel these things and still say i love u...isnt that wat u do...

Jose Sanchez

hopelessly chasing a shadow

im the only one here running myself down expecting some form of hope that we will be ok but it would seem that im only lying to myself..she said it we're not together...divorce is off the table we both dont want it...so then what are we doing, just being seperated...to what end...how long are we gonna stay away from each other...when do we get to the point where we begin reaching out toward one another instead of this constant running she wants to do...when do we fight for each other instead of fighting with one another...why does everything have to be sooo hard...all i want is to go home to her arms, to feel her hug me with her strength...to feel her look at me the way i look at her, with love for all of what i kno and what has yet to be revealed...i miss her touch, her breath caressing my skin as we laid side by side dreaming of the tomorrows to come...instead im met with distance and disregard...and i feel like the locks have been changed to the door that leads to my home...and im floored...ive been physically homeless, but ive never felt more raw or alone than to be left looking inside from the outside to the place ive been so attached to for over six years...home...im running toward it but it just keeps backing away from me all the time, my feet wont tire, because i desire the warmth of home within my soul...

Jose Sanchez

today then the next day and da next

this is the tone of my life, this is how i breathe...swallow, cough if u must just dont let it out, its a game of mental will power...diminshing that light that struggles, savagely striking you, slow burn of emotion...today then the next day and da next...slowly putting one foot in front the other, gather speed,and push on, this is da climb outta this funky overly emotional state of being...u push on...i could lose control over it and allow it to cloud me over wit needs bent toward rage, solve nothing, gain nothing, learn nothing...just repeating the same steps that keeps me glued to the same channel everyday, but that tube aint lookin at u, we r not connected, there is no relating to one another...maybe the time has come to say enough and decide to look for alternate sources of stimuly...i want to breath faster but not be hurried....i want to stretch and find nothing to grasp...i want to hurl myself forward, rite off the abyss, laughing at the surprise of its ending being nothing like wat i imagined...of the reality that fuck it wat does it matter anyway....i want to piss off life, but demand that i get an A for effort..really an A++, i want to wake up and today is da only day i wanna c...yeasterday is gone, shake it off and proceed wit today....tomorrow dont exist so y b concerned wit it...

Jose Sanchez

happy fathers day

today is a day for honoring men who are there raising their children...today is my fourth fathers day...and i couldnt be more influx...my wife and partner have seperated...and ive been placed in the position of caregiver to our children...its not an uncomfortable position just one where im supposed to remain strong in all the time...and some days i feel weak to the task...it isnt often but there are times i doubt my ability to carry the load...we're struggling to coparent, but it works and it enables us to continue building our children up, without impeding on their happiness too much....i question and doubt myself becuz im currently unemployed...and though im focused on recommitting to building both my companies i know the tremendous stress it places on my wife that she is the sole bread winner...i know somethings would be different if i were working now....and though she may not recall the time she told me to take the time off from work to re-engage and re-energize so that i could come back to working with a healthier attitude and a healthier body, i took her advice...i feel better able to care for myself and the kids...i feel up to taking care of the tasks of governing my own life, and its current position...i just dont know what the future holds with a job...i go out put in apps all the time but still i remain unemployed...i dont always allow that stress to mess with my outlook, but i do allow her perception of me sitting still to affect how i feel about myself which hurts....so i hurt back...this has to change if we are to successfully negotiate the temperment of our lives in connection with one another...beyond that today will be a good day for me to breath...and thats what i plan on doing...just breathing

Jose Sanchez

once upon a time

im completely wrapped in smiles looking at this moment..a perfect moment of joy...once upon a time i was this lil boy who found wonderment in my own being...i was a superhero fighting my arch nemisis...i was a simple boy engaged to my boundless curiousity...i twinkled like so many of the unseen stars in the nyc skyline....i was powerful, my imagination feed me spinach like popeye....i could shake the wind and blow down skyscrapers.....this heavenly feeling of freedom overcomes me as i continue to stare at this picture of my son....all the memories come flooding back of my own childhood so wrought with fear, oppression of my spirit, hazy moments of happiness and im shaken to the point of tears...mine will never know those moments...my children will never have to feel they have to earn moments of pleasure like this....my son will not become a manchild before he finishes being a boy....i want to extend his childhood till hes too old to hang out with me....i want happiness to envelope them, to sheath them from some of the hard times they may have to go through to make it through life...im only sad i wasnt a part of this day....
Jose Sanchez

1155

speaking with a brotha about his locs i recognized that i totally miss mine...i miss the transformative feeling it garnered me...it made me carry my life as a tree in a way...cuz hair does begin wit a root and grows forth so each year i used to mark where i was with my life alongside the length of my growth...i only made it into pre puberty with my growth before the sheer weight of it shook me and i cut them off...but i was whole with them...i was rooted...and i was a part of a family so large that daily i met my relatives becuz i believe there is a secret within the locs community that i wasnt a part of before i began to grow mine...everyday id meet and greet ppl who were growing to and it was kindred and i miss that too...on a complete digression loc growers are very beautiful people...as women they are/carry themselves regally...us men seem very well put together mentally, we're connected....even now weneva i see someone wit locs i wanna bond wit them and miss that bonding...i want to belong again to that group of likemindedness...so not a word but its cool, its my word....this year im getting the idea of transformation...growing up doesnt mean, giving up the life u wanted to lead becuz u have a family...in transforming im creating the merge between the life i envisioned and the life i have so that they'll become the life i lead...its a daily process to remain connected to that aim, but its that time to balance the books...my life prior to my kids isnt gone it just took a time out...the life im leading is dull with its stress, and i miss the colors...so im changing the channel...a part of that is reconnecting to that which felt so alive to me, my roots....

Jose Sanchez

chronicle 3

As you can see im gathering resources that i may need come what may...we're both saying divorce is not on the table that no matter what we'll figure things out...but what if thats not a realistic aim...i'd be put in a worse off place than im already in, added to the fact that i may someday come to resent her for me wasting more time on a relationship that she didnt want to save in the first place...but what surprises me more now is that im now fully understanding that its me...seriously...i seriously have never contemplated leaving her....i never foresaw us not being together so i wasnt prepared for it....i didnt save a dime for this day....ive been so wrapped up in making things work, that i forgot to prepare for the hard fall of what happens when it doesn't work out...as i said in the beginning....i didn't plan on a family, wife, kids, home to care for...i was in transit most of my adult life...chasing my dream of furthering me...and even now with a re commitment to that dream, im still a father, so i have to balance the two...but im also a husband (though separated)...she's living her life...we aren't together...so she has no need to be faithful, or any responsibility to be faithful...she's already gone...the lights out, the candle will not light itself...i must move on with my life....the position of where im at must change...i have to get her to care for the kids as much if not more than i do...i must find a place of my own where the rules and temperament of the day is governed solely by me...i must lighten up on the life i lead it isnt hard to bare its difficult to manage alone....i must reaffirm my own ability to stabilize not just me but my family as well...

tax issues...what you can do

Tax Filing Considerations Single Dads

Filling out tax forms has become more complex over the years and if you have recently become a single parent, it is a good idea to seek professional advice to determine what deductions or credits you are now eligible for. Below is a short list of tax considerations for single parents:
1 -Head of Household – If your child lived with you for over 50% of the year or you contributed over 50% to the maintenance of your household and you meet all other requirements defined by the IRS, you'll be able to claim a higher standard deduction and pay less taxes.
2 – Dependent Exemption – If you are eligible to file as Head of Household, you may claim an exemption for yourself as well as each qualifying child. In some cases, parents share custody equally and will need to determine which parent will claim the exemption for their child. In some cases, the parents alternate years.
3 -Child Tax Credit – For you to be able to take this credit, your child must meet certain requirements such as being under seventeen years of age on the last day of the year.
4 - Child Care Credit – If you had to hire someone to watch your child while you were working or looking for a job, you may be eligible for Child and Dependent Care Expenses.
5 - Earned Income Tax Credit - This credit is available to low-income, working families.

child support....facts of life

Child Support

Child support is believed to be an obligation people incur when they become parents. When you are married or living with the mother of your child/ren, it is not difficult to see the needs your children have and take care of them. When you are separated or divorced from your partner, however, making sure children are provided for often falls to the custodial parent (see Child Custody for Fathers) who does not have the means to provide for the children without support from their ex-partner. Therefore, the courts have determined that child support is mandatory for all divorces where children are involved.

Every state has its own way of calculating the amount of child support an ex-spouse is required to pay based on federal regulations. The amount of child support is based not only on the expected expenses of caring for the children (i.e., health care costs, education costs, food costs, etc), but also both parent’s income. The courts believe that children should not suffer a loss in standard of living; therefore, child support may be in excess of the amount actually needed to cover their basic needs (see How is Child Support Determined?). To calculate child support in your state, you can access these online calculators.
A lot of issues regarding child support arise over the lack of regulation in how child support money is spent. Often times, a non-custodial parent harbors such bad feelings for their ex-spouse that they do not want to see their ex-spouse benefit in any way; sometimes, they even want to make life as difficult as possible for their ex-spouse as a way to get revenge. While these feelings may be very real, it is important to remember that the physical, mental and emotional state of the custodial parent ultimately affects your children. Your children should always be at the forefront of your decision-making when you are dealing with your ex-spouse.
While divorce is never easy and something nobody hopes to go through, the truth is, many lives are affected by divorce each year. Divorce can affect children deeply and it is important that you maintain your obligation to care for your children. Not only is it important to make sure that their physical needs are met, but it is important for both parents to continue to play an active role in the life of their child.

Child Custody...what im facing

Child Custody for Fathers

Nothing in a divorce can be more paralyzing than the thought of losing your children or missing out on key moments in their life. As a father, you may be concerned that your wife will automatically receive primary custody of your children. This is not necessarily true. While it is true that women usually are awarded primary physical custody of children, ultimately, the courts try to act in the child’s best interest.

When determining what is in your child’s best interest, the question that is most often asked is: who is the child’s primary caregiver in the relationship? To determine this, courts will often ask questions like:

• Who puts the child to bed at night?
• Who is there when the child gets up in the morning?
• Who helps the child get ready for their day (bathing, clothing, grooming, etc.)?
• Who takes the child to the doctor?
• Who plans the child’s activities?

It is important that your child have some semblance of routine and order amidst the chaos and confusion of a divorce. That is why the court considers the issue of caregiver so heavily. These are not the only things the court will consider when determining child custody, they will also consider things such as how fit each parent is. Keep in mind that while the court is trying to determine what is in the best interest for your child, you should keep that at the forefront of your divorce proceeding as well (see Child’s Best Interest are What Matters).
When you are seeking custody of your child, it is important to be aware that there are two types of custody. There is physical custody and legal custody (these names vary in some states). Physical custody refers to a child’s living arrangement and legal custody refers to the authority to make decisions about major life issues for your child (i.e., religious training, educational training, healthcare, etc.).
If you are seeking joint physical custody, know that does not mean a 50/50 arrangement where your child will get to spend equal time with both parents. Joint physical custody can fall anywhere on a spectrum of what is in the child’s best interest. For example, it may be in the child’s best interest to live primarily with the parent that lives in the child’s current school district and visit the other parent on weekends. Even though the child is spending more time with one parent, this arrangement would still be considered joint custody. If you decide to seek joint legal custody, both parents must agree upon any major decisions about a child’s life equally. In other words, you both have equal say on major issues in your child’s life (see Parental Custody Is Sometimes Out Of Joint?).
Please be aware that there is no cut and dry formula for winning custody of your child. Therefore, it is important to discuss child custody issues with an experienced divorce attorney (see When Dads Need a Divorce Attorney). An attorney with experience in child custody cases should be able to make you aware of your rights as a father and tell you your likelihood of receiving full custody of your children. If it is not likely that you will receive full custody of your children, your attorney should be able to advise you on what you are entitled to. Your attorney should also be able to help you develop a plan to spend as much time as possible with your children (see Father Visitation Rights) and be the father that you desire to be to your son or daughter.

chronicle 2

im heartbroken at the start of a new day, my son was lost as he watched his mother prepare to go.  his cries made me cringe as i lay there tasting the last bit of sleep before my day begins...his wails lasted longer than it took for her to get ready and leave...but they were shorter than they have been in months...i needed her to hear them, to feel his needing of her, so that she may remember why we are going through this...there is no freedom outside their love, there are no timeouts to the beauty of life so bold that it makes you want to throw yourself in front of danger to protect it....i hurt inside for the two of us for now and its cool....i know she is under a terrible strain, and i know i sound foolish for writing the excuses for her and even allowing her time to have these excuses....she's a woman locked in a battle of emotions, whether she finds her way out or not is not for me to say, i have the keys only to the doors in my life...im choosing to step through mine, one door at a time...one choice at a time...i have two months of full-time daddy duties and then im off to find what has held me back from being comfortable with love and in love...that is my focus...i cant assume to know what i will find in that time, and whether or not what i find will mean to how i continue on with my wife....some say i should give her what she wants her complete freedom, and their arguments make sense...but right now it makes more sense to try to work things out because our actual relationship has jus begun while our old ways of dealing with one another are slowly falling to the way side....time heals all pains...pain tells you you're alive....life is wat you determine it to be...so why am i hung up on my life because i haven't made the determination as to what i want my life to be about outside of my kids....i have to break my perspective on things from we to me so that we can be ok...
Jose Sanchez

Fwd: chronicle 1

Jose Sanchez

-------- Original Message --------
Subject: chronicle 1
From: Jose Sanchez <sanchez_j138@hotmail.com>
To: Mobilblogger <jose.sanchez.138.sunshine@blogger.com>
CC:

i neva thought that id find myself in this position, a father, husband, or really a man. not to say these r mantles i didnt aspire to in the realm of possibilities for myself but i didnt have them as mantles for the goals i had.set for myself. upon learning i was to become a father the first time it was like a flip in a dark room had been switched on, and all those feelings, ways of thinking and responding to life changed from me to the them that would become my family. it will be four years since ive started on this journey and there have been plenty of hiccups and obstacles that would assuredly have conquered a.lessor man but i still continue. my wife and i have seen better times and better days. we went through an abortion that all but began the destruction of our relationship, giving rise to arguements and violence. we've become homeless, lived in tight spaces. and now we're on the edge we've seperated with divorce looming ahead of us. i have custody and care of the.children and she gets.to live her life as a free person with responsibilities.only.to herself. yes its unfair and not what i would have wanted. but im strong enough to handle this time apart though i want.it to end. i want to be able to say this is my wife and this is my family, but that isnt what im able to say at the moment. the children are fine, i adore them. i enjoy them, i enjoy being there for them no matter how angry, hurt, frustrated, tired or disrespected i feel. at the end of the day its their comfort and peace that is my first concern. my wife and i had begun marriage.counseling, and i stopped because each session simply became validation for her and i felt what was the point of me being there if i was getting nothing from it. i found peace by myself, through being with my children and allowing myself to look at life from her.point of view. yes being depressed about your life, and its disappointments is hard. yes staying with and marrying a man who broke a sacred trust by putting his hands on you is a hard.thing to wrap your head and heart around, especially when you.cant say if you want to allow yourself to love that man again because of that lost trust. having questions about your own.sexuality that you've never dealt with on your own.in the.confines of a marriage is difficult. given all that i could have continued.to fight her on seperating but id only lose everything. so i stopped fighting her.leaving and came.to peace with our seperation. its still a bit of a raw spot for me, but i have.to get myself ready for the.outcome of her seperation whether.she stayed with me or not she had already left. so i didnt fight her leaving. now we're dating and communicating a lot better than we have.in years because we have that space apart. i still hold out hope for a reunion of our hearts, or a rekindling of our love. i became the her she.didnt have.to be. i took on the role of fulltime parent completely dependent on her for support. she has essentially become the baby daddy in our picture. she cheats, lies and parties as she sees fit. i dont get a say or a concern. my feelings and concerns arent seen as important or relavent. this is what my life has become, but i grit and bear it the best way i can. i smile everyday.because what ive sacrificed.is.nothing in comparison to what ive gained. i have two very beautiful children who i delight in daily. i have a wife who i love and adore. i have the oppurtunity to love myself through finding the strength to carry this load alone. she left me but she hasnt lost me, not yet. possibly never. in coming to peace with myself i realize that no matter what i have to deal with her my entire life because we have children together, so there is no point in getting a divorce to me. but she has to see that as well for us to pull through this point in our marriage as well. till then im a single dad and this is my soundbox. i hope i havent bored you to tears with the melodrama.

the musings here at single dads chronicles will be the.reflections of what i see.am.exposed to and what im.learning as i continue.down.the road.of being a single dad.

Jose Sanchez