Wednesday, June 8, 2011

chronicle 3

As you can see im gathering resources that i may need come what may...we're both saying divorce is not on the table that no matter what we'll figure things out...but what if thats not a realistic aim...i'd be put in a worse off place than im already in, added to the fact that i may someday come to resent her for me wasting more time on a relationship that she didnt want to save in the first place...but what surprises me more now is that im now fully understanding that its me...seriously...i seriously have never contemplated leaving her....i never foresaw us not being together so i wasnt prepared for it....i didnt save a dime for this day....ive been so wrapped up in making things work, that i forgot to prepare for the hard fall of what happens when it doesn't work i said in the beginning....i didn't plan on a family, wife, kids, home to care for...i was in transit most of my adult life...chasing my dream of furthering me...and even now with a re commitment to that dream, im still a father, so i have to balance the two...but im also a husband (though separated)...she's living her life...we aren't she has no need to be faithful, or any responsibility to be faithful...she's already gone...the lights out, the candle will not light itself...i must move on with my life....the position of where im at must change...i have to get her to care for the kids as much if not more than i do...i must find a place of my own where the rules and temperament of the day is governed solely by me...i must lighten up on the life i lead it isnt hard to bare its difficult to manage alone....i must reaffirm my own ability to stabilize not just me but my family as well...

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