i neva thought that id find myself in this position, a father, husband, or really a man. not to say these r mantles i didnt aspire to in the realm of possibilities for myself but i didnt have them as mantles for the goals i had.set for myself. upon learning i was to become a father the first time it was like a flip in a dark room had been switched on, and all those feelings, ways of thinking and responding to life changed from me to the them that would become my family. it will be four years since ive started on this journey and there have been plenty of hiccups and obstacles that would assuredly have conquered a.lessor man but i still continue. my wife and i have seen better times and better days. we went through an abortion that all but began the destruction of our relationship, giving rise to arguements and violence. we've become homeless, lived in tight spaces. and now we're on the edge we've seperated with divorce looming ahead of us. i have custody and care of the.children and she gets.to live her life as a free person with responsibilities.only.to herself. yes its unfair and not what i would have wanted. but im strong enough to handle this time apart though i want.it to end. i want to be able to say this is my wife and this is my family, but that isnt what im able to say at the moment. the children are fine, i adore them. i enjoy them, i enjoy being there for them no matter how angry, hurt, frustrated, tired or disrespected i feel. at the end of the day its their comfort and peace that is my first concern. my wife and i had begun marriage.counseling, and i stopped because each session simply became validation for her and i felt what was the point of me being there if i was getting nothing from it. i found peace by myself, through being with my children and allowing myself to look at life from her.point of view. yes being depressed about your life, and its disappointments is hard. yes staying with and marrying a man who broke a sacred trust by putting his hands on you is a hard.thing to wrap your head and heart around, especially when you.cant say if you want to allow yourself to love that man again because of that lost trust. having questions about your own.sexuality that you've never dealt with on your own.in the.confines of a marriage is difficult. given all that i could have continued.to fight her on seperating but id only lose everything. so i stopped fighting her.leaving and came.to peace with our seperation. its still a bit of a raw spot for me, but i have.to get myself ready for the.outcome of her seperation whether.she stayed with me or not she had already left. so i didnt fight her leaving. now we're dating and communicating a lot better than we have.in years because we have that space apart. i still hold out hope for a reunion of our hearts, or a rekindling of our love. i became the her she.didnt have.to be. i took on the role of fulltime parent completely dependent on her for support. she has essentially become the baby daddy in our picture. she cheats, lies and parties as she sees fit. i dont get a say or a concern. my feelings and concerns arent seen as important or relavent. this is what my life has become, but i grit and bear it the best way i can. i smile everyday.because what ive sacrificed.is.nothing in comparison to what ive gained. i have two very beautiful children who i delight in daily. i have a wife who i love and adore. i have the oppurtunity to love myself through finding the strength to carry this load alone. she left me but she hasnt lost me, not yet. possibly never. in coming to peace with myself i realize that no matter what i have to deal with her my entire life because we have children together, so there is no point in getting a divorce to me. but she has to see that as well for us to pull through this point in our marriage as well. till then im a single dad and this is my soundbox. i hope i havent bored you to tears with the melodrama.
the musings here at single dads chronicles will be the.reflections of what i see.am.exposed to and what im.learning as i continue.down.the road.of being a single dad.